Category Archives: Humor

It Must be True. It’s on the Internet.

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Save the "endangered tree octopus"

Save the “endangered tree octopus”

By Judy Berman

An endangered tree octopus? A subway in Central Florida? A bogus French model shows up for a date? Just how gullible are we?

One researcher says too many believe what they see, just because it’s on the Internet.

Florida is flat as a pancake. Mountains are nonexistent and hills are merely speed bumps, hardly worth mentioning.

So, imagine my surprise when I found Merritt Island – about 15 minutes from where I live – has a subway system. I mean we don’t even have cellars because the state’s built over a swamp.

But there it was photos and all. Impressive figures from history linked to various stages of the subway system: Dr. Wernher von Braun, President Richard Nixon and President Bill Clinton.

Merritt Island Subway System - it's on the Internet

Merritt Island Subway System – it’s on the Internet

It had to be true. I saw it on the Internet. Only it wasn’t real.

That’s one of the stumbling blocks about teaching research to seventh-graders. They see a site that says a current celebrity died – the NEXT day – and they think it is true. I mean. It must be. Or, the Internet wouldn’t post it.

During reports on innovators – creators of new products and ideas – students shared 15 interesting things they learned.

In a report on Steve Jobs, one student told the class that he was fired from Apple because he was gay.

I was flabbergasted and asked where she found that information, because he was fired over a power struggle in the company he formed. She showed me the sites she researched.

One said: When Steve Jobs was younger, he dated “JOHN BAEZ.”

“Uh, I think that’s supposed to be JOAN BAEZ, the folk singer.” Sure enough. (We checked several other sites that verified this.) But my student was too young to know the cultural reference to Joan Baez, so she was unaware of the disinformation – intentional or accidental - provided on that one site.

It became a teachable moment. My class had an impromptu chat about trusting the reliability of some sources on the web … and double-checking facts.

A researcher at the University of Connecticut, Donald Leu, is concerned that the Facebook generation of kids cannot distinguish between fact and fiction online.

“Most students simply have very little in the way of critical evaluation skills,” Leu is quoted saying in an article in the “Daily Mail Online.”

To put his theory to the test, he showed students a fabricated site about an “endangered Pacific Northwest tree octopus” to test their ability to evaluate information they see online.

Sad to say, as improbable as the story was, the students bought it. Even when researchers showed the kids that the information was made up, some still insisted on the tree octopus’ existence.

Science teachers at our school use this site to develop their students’ online reading and critical evaluation skills. Leu said these skills are needed to meet college and workforce demands.

Mais, oui. (But, yes. I am a French model.)

Mais, oui. (But, yes. I am a French model.)

At least the students are one-up on the beautiful, gullible blonde in the State Farm ad who was about to go on a date with a French model she met on the Internet. The “model,” Eric Filipkowski, (obviously a fraud), gives a sly smile, says “Bonjour” without a trace of a French accent, and then walks off with the girl.

A clever ad. It is a cautionary tale for students AND adults to carefully examine any information that’s in print, on TV and the Internet. Otherwise, you could be the fall guy in a scam to relieve you of your money.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original
content.

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Main Photo – tree octopus – hoax  http://recollectionbooks.com/Cascadia/tree.html

Photo – gullible – State Farm ad  and an article. TV Commercial Star says ‘Bonjour’ to Fame, Columbia News Service: http://columbianewsservice.com/2013/02/tv-commercial-star-says-bonjour-to-fame/

Florida Subway System Route Map http://www.urbanplanet.org/forums/index.php/topic/29265-florida-subway-system/

Merritt Island Subway Authority – photo and article  http://www.misubwayauth.org/html/history.html

Florida Today’s Chris Kridler, a former colleague, wrote about the subway spoof: http://www.floridatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060509/COLUMNISTS0106/605090306/1047/LIFE&nclick_check=1

Video: Fake French Model in a State Farm Ad, “They can’t put anything on the Internet that isn’t true.”

Endangered Tree Octopus (hoax) http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1352929/Endangered-tree-octopus-proves-students-believe-read-Internet.html

A Reel-Life Disaster Film

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Three hundred miles away, I can only imagine chaos unfolding.

Three hundred miles away, I can only imagine chaos unfolding.

By Judy Berman

Sheila hasn’t called in a while, and that usually means trouble.

Movie script writers would salivate to be able to tell her story. But it often is one she doesn’t want to share because she doesn’t want to “trouble” any one. Sheila’s golden silence, however, automatically triggers the exact response she wishes to avoid.

“Hey, Sheila,” my calls always begin in an upbeat fashion. “What’s happening? I checked the obits, and you weren’t listed.”

“Everything’s OK … (a very pregnant pause) … now. Oh! (almost as an afterthought). When you talk to Jan (a mutual friend), tell her I wrote a letter, but it burnt in the fire.”Burning match

“What fire?” I ask. (I shake my head as I wonder: “how come my calls are never like the ones in the commercials? ring. ring.)

“Nothing serious,” Sheila says soothingly. “I lit a match to look under the mattress, and it caught on fire. Damaged my bedroom!”

“Got a pen handy?” she inquires casually. “I’ll give you my new address.”

“You moved?” I’m 300 miles away and am powerless to do more than just voice my concern.

“Yeah, had to after the fire. Didn’t need that expense on top of the parking tickets.”

Common sense dictates that, if I ever want another full night’s sleep, this is the point where I should hang up and get an unlisted number. But, a morbid fascination keeps me hanging on.

“Parking ticket problem?” I mumble, knowing the answer won’t be a simple one.

“Yeah, my neighbor had been moving it for me every day – alternate parking here. But when he went in the hospital, the car just sat there accumulating tickets. Sometimes as many as three or four tickets a day.”Parking meter

“What with the other problems I’d been having,” she continues unmercifully, “I sort of put it on the low side of my priorities. Up until I got the notice threatening to garnish my wages if I didn’t pay up, that is.”

Now, Sheila’s been relatively unruffled during this whole story. I, on the other hand, have not exhaled once.

I take another breath, pause and ask, “How much do you owe?

“Twelve hundred dollars!”

I inhale incredulously and then, mercifully, exhale. Despite that kind of money not being within her reach, she’s been calm. Almost Zen-like.

Still Sheila’s closing remark nearly unglues me.

“When you talk to Jan about me, try not to worry her.”

“No problem,” I assure her. “I know exactly how to handle this. Trust me”

As I hang up the phone, I’m thinking: “I’ll just tell Jan that they’re making your life story into a disaster film. And it’ll be bigger than “Titanic,” “Towering Inferno” and “Airport” all rolled into one.”

* Is your favorite disaster movie on the list below?  What are your candidates?

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original
content.

A Devine Bit o’ Blarney

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A woman leans backwards to kiss the Blarney Stone.

A woman leans backwards to kiss the Blarney Stone.

By Judy Berman

On the train from Dublin to Blarney, I begin to wonder just what I’d gotten myself into. The signs posted were in Gaelic. The folks around us were speaking in a beautiful brogue – and we didn’t understand a word.

But we arrived without a hitch and basked in the village folks’ warm welcome.

The old castle, built in 1446, beckons. It’s the third structure built on this site, and it’s a long climb. This trek, taken years ago, meant that I’d have to lean over an empty space in the wall while lying on my back to kiss the Blarney Stone. Well, I had some second and third thoughts about that before finally giving in.

I was convinced that I didn’t need to do this to acquire the gift of eloquence. Being part-Irish, I always assumed that was in my DNA. But my husband and I did just that. (Our youngest daughter, who already has the gift o’ gab, declined.)

Blarney Castle

Blarney Castle

After kissing the stone, you are supposed to be bestowed with the gift of blarney – or “clever, flattering” talk. Smooth-talking charm aside, I doubt that I could have pulled off what townspeople in the tiny Irish village of 52 people in Tullymore (Tulaigh Mhór) accomplished.

One of their own won the National Lottery. But no one knew who. I’d lived in a community like this. The livestock outnumber the residents and everyone knows everyone else’s business. The world almanac of misinformation, the owner at the local grocery store, filled in whatever information was missing.

The townspeople hold a chicken supper, hoping that the winner will at last be revealed. No dice. But they notice that one of the townsfolk is missing: Ned Devine. Quite odd.

Two friends, Ian Bannen (as Jackie O’Shea) and David Kelly (as Michael O’Sullivan) rush to Devine’s cottage to confront him. But Ned is dead, and in his hand is the winning lottery ticket. The shock of winning killed him.

Honest folks would have alerted authorities. When 7 million pounds is involved, however, scheming Irish eyes are smiling about what they could do with the prize money.

In “Waking Ned Devine” (1998), Jackie is convinced by a dream that Ned wants the town to share his wealth. So Jackie and Michael plot with the townspeople to deceive the claim inspector from Dublin. They are all to pretend that Ned is alive and well. Then they can all be rich.

In the scam to defraud the lottery officials, Michael poses as Ned. This becomes a bit awkward when the claim inspector stumbles into the church where Ned’s funeral is being held. The villagers pretend the service is for Michael.

As Jackie rides with the claim inspector to Ned’s cottage, Michael drives at breakneck speed, naked, on a motorcycle to beat them there.

Everyone’s on board with this conspiracy – except one who has designs of her own on the money. Aye, and that’s the rub … in this fine tale filled with blarney, deception, twists and laughter.

“Erin go Bragh” … Long live Ireland. 

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Video – movie trailer: “Waking Ned Devine” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osmPlQXzXXA

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or
earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original
content.

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Photo: BlarneyCastle - BlarneyCastle and adjacent east tower View is to west from walkway. To kiss the Blarney Stone, you must climb the steps to the top of castle, go to the arch shown in the photo, lay on your back, and arch your head backwards to kiss the Blarney Stone at the base of the arch shown in the photo. Photo taken April 2001 by Joseph Mischyshyn. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/2e/Blarney_Castle_and_adjacent_east_tower_-_geograph.org.uk_-_1625431.jpg/400px-Blarney_Castle_and_adjacent_east_tower_-_geograph.org.uk_-_1625431.jpg

Photo: Blarney Stone – woman kissing the Blarney Stone (Blarney   Castle, Ireland) – August 2002 http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/7f/Blarney_stone.png/454px-Blarney_stone.png

Blarney Castle – the home of the Blarney Stone http://www.blarneycastle.ie/

Hard Sell at the Spa

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Aerobics in the street - exercise that I can live with

Aerobics in the street – exercise that I can live with

By Judy Berman

It started – as it always does – so innocently. I got this offer in the mail for a free day for two at a local health spa.

This was many pounds ago. In a desperate move to lose weight, I urge my friend, Jan, to join me.

We’re barely in the door when the trainer coaxes me to step onto the scale. I edge cautiously toward it. The scales groan under my weight. I wait, dreading the sound of a gong … like the ones at the State Fair, imagining that every eye in the place is on me.

She gives me a baleful glance, indicating I look like the before picture in their spa’s reducing plan.

Our tour of the facility leads to the gym. The trainer urges me to lie on my back and lift some weights with my feet. Panic sets in when I can’t get my feet off my chest.

She gives me the eye roll. I begin to turn blue. My legs have lost all feeling. Finally, she heaves an exasperated sigh. She seems to walk in slow motion as she comes to my rescue and frees me. I’m spared further humiliation when she whisks us out of the room.

Before long, she escorts Jan and me to the Conning Room. In this brightly lit area, she begins her pitch. Each trainer must have a quota of pigeons to pluck, but I already feel that my feathers have been ruffled enough.

The banter begins with a little lighthearted frivolity. It’s one-sided. In the corner, she chortles raucously over my vital statistics. Then the games begin in earnest.

Sure, she makes it look easy. I'd be caught up in this like a pretzel.

Sure, she makes it look easy. I’d be caught up in this like a pretzel.

She is ruthless in her efforts to convince me. She wheedles, cajoles, pleads and threatens me with bodily harm – which she says I will do to myself if I don’t join the spa TODAY. I hear piercing screams emanating from another room. I envision a saleswoman using brute force to get someone to sign the contact.

I stand firm.

Reluctantly, she allows us to check out the rest of the spa – hoping, I guess, that this will clinch the deal. As I leave, two beefy security guards head her way. Her eyes flit desperately around the room as she looks for the exit, ready to flee. But they each grab one of her arms, lift her up so her feet just dangle helplessly several inches above the floor, and head back down the hall.

It was probably time for her “refresher course” in the hard sell.

Jan and I race off to check out the sauna, the pool and other delights – the health food bar – at the gym.

At the pool, I met the female equivalent of the dim-witted Abominable Snow Rabbit whose mantra is “I will name him George, and I will hug him, and pet him, and squeeze him.”

“Abom,” an overly friendly gym rat, did the unthinkable. Jan no sooner steps into the pool, then Abom dives in after her. She creates a tidal wave that carries us out of the room into the parking area.

Like salmon swimming upstream, Jan and I fight the current and frantically swim back to the showers so we can clean up before we leave for good.

On our way out, there is one last temptation: the health food bar. It seems so Zen-like. Or, at least it did until a woman approaches the “bar” tender. After all that exercise, the woman’s just ravenous. She thumps her chest and demands, “Me want ‘nother celery juice.”

I wonder what would happen if the bartender got really firm and turned her down.

“I think you’ve had enough. Let me call you a cab.”

We decide to make a quick exit, stage left, before it gets really ugly at the “Glorious Health Spa.” Right on our heels, a woman, with contract and a pen in hand, chases after us.

Late at night – even though this was years ago – I can still hear her cries, “Puhl-eeze! Don’t go. If you sign up today, you’ll get ….”

An oncoming tractor-trailer mercifully drowns out her voice as we roar off at top speed.

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Video: Mick Jagger singing “Ruthless People” (1986) movie title. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cohCR3rUh0

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Photo: People doing aerobics on the main street in front of the Cathedral in Morelia, Mexico. Taken April 29, 2012 by AlejandroLinaresGarcia http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/87/ExerciseMorelia.JPG/790px-ExerciseMorelia.JPG

Photo: Suspension exercise. Author: Slyngebehandling http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b9/Sideliggende_planke.JPG/800px-Sideliggende_planke.JPG

Video: “The Abominable Snow Rabbit” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JlVqfC8-UI

You’re Wearing What?

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Audrey Hepburn (as Holly Golightly) in Breakfast at Tiffany's

Audrey Hepburn (as Holly Golightly) in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

By Judy Berman

How did I fall so far from the graceful style of my idol – Audrey Hepburn?

No matter what she wore – Givenchy or a sweater, slacks and flat ballet shoes – she embodied elegance and confidence. Years ago, that was the self-assured image I aimed for.

Nowadays, it’s all about comfort. I’d ditched the suit and heels that are de rigueur in most workplaces. For me, every day should be Casual Friday. As I rummage thru my closet each morning, I fantasize about what I’d wear if I could.

My passion for fashion is kaput. Now, my go-to choices would be my Life is Good T-shirts and jeans.

Family and friends have hinted – not too subtly – that I need a style intervention. So I was surprised when a few friends invited me to lunch at an upscale eatery and told me: “Come as you are. Don’t bother to change.”

I was clueless as I walked in, even though I saw quite a few family members and friends sitting at tables throughout the restaurant. How odd, I thought, that they should all pick the same place to eat at the same time.

No sooner had I sat down and began looking at the menu choices than I heard the swelling of excited voices. I looked out the window. Nope, no ambulances or police cars. What could it be?

Then I heard the thundering of feet heading our way. It was Stacy and Clinton of  TLC’s fashion makeover TV show, “What Not to Wear.” Still, I didn’t have any foreboding. I should have.

TCS's "What Not to Wear" - Clinton Kelly and Stacy London

TCS’s “What Not to Wear” – Clinton Kelly and Stacy London

This is a show I’ve often dreamed of being on. I’m star-struck. That quickly fades.

They stopped at our table and shoved a microphone in my face. Stacy introduced herself and Clinton to me as a cameraman began recording.

I’m mortified as they show film clips about my obvious fashion faux pas as I schlepped to the mall or grocery store. The indignities pile up as friends laugh while Stacy and Clinton make snide commentaries about each outfit.

Then, they soften the blow by offering me a credit card and a shopping trip in New York City. I’d get to stay with them for a week for a makeover.

Finding clothes that camouflage my flaws is appealing. But, there was just one catch … I’d have to turn over my Life is Good T-shirts.

No doubt my anguished cries could be heard in the next county.

Then, I awoke, in a cold sweat. Had it all just been a dream? I ran to my closet to check.

Whew! My beloved T-shirts were still there.

My go-to apparel - a comfy choice.

My go-to apparel – a comfy choice. (Clothes from my closet. Photo by Dave Berman)

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Thanks to Lisa Tognola of Main Street Musings for egging me on to write this. Check out her story about a trunk party at: http://mainstreetmusingsblog.com/2013/02/04/revelations-from-my-first-cabi-party/

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Movie trailer: “The Devil Wears Prada” (2006). I almost feel sorry for the working girl (Anne Hathaway) who is at the beck and call of one of New York City’s biggest magazine editors, the ruthless and cynical Miranda Priestly (played by Meryl Streep). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zicgut4gpwU

COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Photo: Audrey Hepburn (as Holly Golightly) in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6b/Audrey_Hepburn_Tiffany%27s_2.jpg/800px-Audrey_Hepburn_Tiffany%27s_2.jpg

Photo: TLC’s “What Not to Wear” with Clinton Kelly and Stacy London http://www.listal.com/tv/not-wear-2003

Get Ready for the Apocalypse. Not Again.

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An ancient Mayan Calendar, which is made up of 394-periods, called baktuns, predicts that Doomsday is on Dec. 21st.

An ancient Mayan Calendar, which is made up of 394-periods, called baktuns, predicts that Doomsday is on Dec. 21st.

By Judy Berman

Will your end-of-days party be catered?  Or, do you have a safe-cave you plan to retreat to?

There’s no reason to go all Neanderthal on us. You can celebrate the end of the world on Dec. 21st in style in the quaint little village of Bugarach. It’s the only site designated as one that will survive the Apocalypse.

The mountain community of Bugarach, France.

The mountain community of Bugarach, France.

Savvy residents of that French mountain community are offering a quiet retreat for $1,200 a night. You can toast the fiery end of the world with a bottle of “End of the-World” wine.

Should that prediction not pan out. That same bottle of wine will be available, relabeled as “Survival Wine,” at a more reasonable price the following day, according to the Daily Mail Online.

Of course, there’s that pesky rumor that mars this idyllic site. Some believe that the mountain “is the site of a concealed alien base, or even that it contains an underground access to another world,” the Daily Mail Online reports.

The very thought that this Mayan prophecy will come true has caused some folks in Russia to panic. They’re clearing the grocery shelves of matches, kerosene, sugar and candles. They are among those that believe this year’s winter solstice marks the end of a 144,000-day cycle.

This prophecy is based on the ancient Mayan calendar, “when a 5,125-year cycle known as the Long Count in the Mayan calendar supposedly comes to a close,” said a Dec. 1st story in The New York Times.

Some believers are taking this seriously and that worries Leonid Ogul, a doctor and a member of the Russian Parliament’s environmental committee. He’s concerned that all this talk about still another end-of-the world scenario will have a negative affect on some folks’ mental and physical health.

NASA scientist David Morrison has been kept busy by people contacting him for word about the end times.

“One touching letter was simply, ‘My best friend is my little dog. Please tell me when I should put her to sleep so she won’t suffer in the apocalypse.’ ” Morrison said in an interview with KGO-TV in Mountain View, Calif. “I’m disturbed by letters from kids who are afraid. I think that is the worst part of this hoax. And it is a hoax.”

“Morrison is a scientist, not a historian, but he’s done some research, and says the same ancient Mayans who created that calendar also prophesized some events to happen 300 to 500 years from now, meaning even they didn’t think the world was coming to an end,” the report said.

Despite his reassurances, the rumors persist. One prediction is no sooner put to bed than another rises to replace it.

So, what should YOU do if it’s true? If you’re a camera buff, this is the perfect opportunity to catch that once-in-a-lifetime environmental shot in a unique setting. In a video posted below, photographer Dan Havlik offers some tips for picture-taking for the upcoming Apocalypse.

Before I head for the hills, I’ll pass on one of Havlik’s tips. He recommended going to a high place, like a mountain, for the best vantage point. If you’re in a tight spot, confronted by an alien or dragon, your camera equipment can always double as weapons. So, Havlik advises that you be prepared.

And, if you miss this shot, there’ll always be another Apocalypse somewhere down the line. We never seem to run out of them, or of people willing to take advantage of the gullible and innocent.

P.T. Barnum, a 19th-century showman and master of hucksterism, said it best, “Every crowd has a silver lining.”

Just make sure you’re not the one getting fleeced.

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Video: Photographer Dan Havlik shares photo tips for the upcoming Apocalypse http://www.imaging-resource.com/news/2012/12/07/hilarious-video-offers-tips-on-how-to-photograph-the-coming-mayan-apocalyps

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Main Photo: Mayan Calendar – An acient Mayan Calendar, which is made up of 394-periods called baktuns, predicts that Doomsday is on Dec. 21st. DailyMail: “The Only Place That Will Survive the Mayan Apocalpyse” http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2242176/Bugarach-Town-set-survive-Mayan-Apocalypse-cracks-open-End-World-wine.html

NASA Scientist David Morrison has a big job. http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news/bizarre&id=8900498

Photo: The mountain community of Bugarach. Taken by ArnoLagrange on Jan. 20, 2008 http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1e/Bugarach_vue_g%C3%A9n%C3%A9rale.jpg/640px-Bugarach_vue_g%C3%A9n%C3%A9rale.jpg

The Body and the Toaster (fiction)

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Crime scene

By Judy Berman

Jenn is far too honest. Always telling more than she should – like now, for instance.

I look around the kitchen. Something is out of place.

“Jenn, where’s the toaster?”

A long silence follows before she speaks quietly, hesitantly.

“It’s in the back yard. Under the porch. Along with the body,” Jenn says.

The memory chip in my brain is about to explode. While I am busy computing what one has to do with the other, I can only say …

“Body?”

She nods her head, her blue eyes downcast and brimming with tears.

I begin to measure out the coffee grinds and water. The answer is sure to be extensive and complicated. I prepare for a long night.

Earlier, when I returned home, I saw her ex-boyfriend’s car in our driveway. The hood is cool. Not a good sign. That means Johnny has been here for a while. I decide to make myself some toast, tea, and escape to my bedroom until he leaves. The fewer words we exchange, the better.

Now, Jenn slumps over the kitchen table. Her head is propped between her hands. The usual nagging questions race thru my head while I retrieve the coffee mugs, spoons, milk and sugar.

“Who” and “why,” I already know the answer to. “How” is still kind of fuzzy.

“Maybe,” I say gently, “you better, as they say in those cliché-ridden novels, start from the beginning.”

As if there is an alternative. Jenn shakes her head. She wants me to go out and examine the body. Admire her handiwork? I balk. She insists.

Outside, the view is like any other where there’s a body and a toaster under the deck. Dusk or dawn? Flowers in full bloom? Or, trees, stripped down to their bare limbs?

Nothing registers. Except for those inevitable, awful, taped-silhouettes police always make when they try to recreate the crime scene. And, those annoying flashing lights on patrol cars at the edge of my driveway.

Crime scene tape – Do Not Cross

Only the feet are under the deck. Johnny’s body is in full view. My eyes dart nervously to see if anyone is watching. Then, I walk down the deck’s steps for a closer look.

“Well, we can always get another toaster.”

Jenn shoots me a dark look.

Let’s face if. Of all of her beaus, Johnny is my least favorite. He has been stalking her ever since they broke up several months ago. The odd thing is, he broke up with Jenn to date another girl.

He’d borrowed Jenn’s brand-new car without asking. Then, he cleans out Jenn’s checking account to buy the other girl a diamond ring. Then she ditches him for another guy.

If I’d known Jenn was going to dispatch him, I’d have offered to help.

“It was an accident, Mom,” Jenn protests.

She explains that she had been sunning herself, and brought the toaster out to the deck to have lunch. Suddenly, Johnny barges around the corner and runs up onto the deck. He is yelling at Jenn, blaming her because the other girl jilted him.

Startled and frightened, she picks up the toaster.

Startled and afraid, she picked up the toaster.

“I don’t know why. It was just the nearest thing to me. It was like the toaster had a mind of its own and I … I,” here, Jenn falters, recalling what she did.

“When I threw it at him, the toaster struck his head and he fell backward off the deck,” she pauses.

Our silence is jarred by a groan. When the “body” moves, Jenn screams.

Johnny raises himself, leans on his left elbow. His right hand gingerly touches the bruise left by the errant toaster. When he sees Jenn and me, he cringes. But he makes a quick recovery.

“How could you?” Johnny shouts as he leaps toward her with his fists raised. “You could have killed me.”

Jenn freezes. I step in between them.

“Maybe, the next time, her aim will improve,” I smile as I reach for the unplugged toaster.

It begins to spark. Johnny backs away. Slowly, at first. Then, he takes off in a dead run.

A malfunctioning toaster is the least of Johnny’s problems. Just wait until he sees what’s in store for him when he gets that car going. I hear the pop-pop-pop of that contraption he calls a car as it backs out of the driveway. Then, I hear the engine roar and Johnny yelp.

“Mom, why are you smiling?” Jenn asks.

“Oh. I wasn’t aware that I was.”

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Photo: Crime Scene2 – Crime scene in Central City, New Orleans. Photo by taken Sept. 26, 2010, by Derek Bridges. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/33/Crouching_Policeman_1st_Street_Crime_Scene.jpg/640px-Crouching_Policeman_1st_Street_Crime_Scene.jpg

Photo: Crime Scene tape – Do Not Cross – CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS / @CSI?cafe, Uploaded by Diego Grez, Taken by Yumi Kimura, Yokohama, Japan on March 25, 2009 http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/3d/Do_Not_Cross%2C_Crime_Scene.jpg/640px-Do_Not_Cross%2C_Crime_Scene.jpg

Photo: Toaster  – a two-slice Sunbeam toaster. Photo taken April 24, 2005 by Donovan Govan http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/8f/Toaster.jpg/566px-Toaster.jpg

Runaway Justice or Face the Music

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John Cusack in the movie "Runaway Jury."

John Cusack (as juror Nicholas Easter) in the suspense thriller, “Runaway Jury.”

By Judy Berman

Few things can speed up your pulse quicker than jogging, a one-third-off sale on designer jeans, or an order to appear in court.

I, of course, got the latter.

Imagine my surprise! I was being fined $25 for failing to license my dog. Only one problem – I didn’t have a dog.

Our neighbor called to tell us that she saw a summons had just been taped to our front door. I wondered how she could tell from that distance that it was a summons. One look outside explained it all.

There, prominently displayed was a summons nearly the size of a billboard. Discreet! I ripped it off the door and slinked back inside our house.

Should I contact the best criminal lawyer in town?

Judging from a scenario in the suspense thriller, “Runaway Jury,” that doesn’t appear to be the go-to option. Gene Hackman (as Rankin Fitch) is a ruthless jury consultant who will do anything to win in a court trial involving a major gun manufacturer.

Gene Hackman as ruthless jury consultant Rankin Fitch in the movie, “Runaway Jury,” based on a novel by John Grisham.

Hackman sums it up this way: “Trials are too important to be left up to juries.”

Despite the millions spent, there is a hitch, as Hackman battles Dustin Hoffman (as attorney Wendell Rohr) for the hearts and verdict of the jurors.

A juror on the inside, John Cusack (as Nicholas Easter), and a woman on the outside, Rachel Weisz (as Marlee), conspire to manipulate the outcome.

The tension in this film pales compared to my own dilemma. It appears the odds are stacked against me.

So, should I ignore the summons? I began to visualize the following scenario … (key daydream sequence gone awry).

I return to our neighborhood after a blissful afternoon of window-shopping. The block has been cordoned off. Patrol cars are lining the street in front of our home. A hail of bullets is riddling our home, and a cop is on the bullhorn shouting, “All right, scofflaw, come on out. We know you’re in there.”

I’d been the victim of a computer foul-up before. So, I debated with myself: Should I retaliate? After all, it was the principle of the thing. They’d besmirched the family name.

Briefly, I weighed the odds of challenging not only the bureaucracy, but a computer as well.

Only one question nagged at me.

Should I plead guilty and throw myself on the mercy of the court?

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Photo: Gene Hackman as ruthless jury consultant, Rankin Fitch, in the movie “Runaway Jury” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Rankin_Fitch_from_Runaway_Jury.jpg

Photo: John Cusack as juror Nicholas Easter in “Runaway Jury” http://www.fanpop.com/spots/john-cusack/images/8609499/title/runaway-jury-photo

Video clip: “Runaway Jury” – trailer

Summer’s Last Hurrah, the Fair

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By Judy Berman

The death of summer … and the dismal prospect of a long, hard winter … were overshadowed by what happened in between when I lived in Syracuse, N.Y.

Twelve glorious days to roam the New York State Fairgrounds. Its last day falls on Labor Day. This venue is just a stone’s throw from where we lived. Every year, I lobbied to work it when I was a reporter for WHEN-AM radio. It was never boring. The people-watching and time to chat with them were always great fun.

There was free entertainment provided by top celebrities just inside the main gate. Hoof on down to see the farm animals and their offspring, gape at death-defying aerial acts, and wander thru building-upon-building of exhibits – something I never appreciated when I was growing up. My goal then was to get to the rides and the food.

Oh, yeah, it was the highlight of my day … but, sometimes, for all the wrong reasons.

So much food. So little time.

Pizze fritte – a 2-foot-long twist of fried dough and sugary goodness. Peppers and onions smothering a Carmen Basilio’s sausage sandwich … or a Gianelli sausage sandwich. I could never make up my mind. For dessert, sweet-potato pie.

It’s a wonder I didn’t go into a sugar-and-fat-induced coma.

This time of year, when it’s Fair time, I wish I could be there. I’d love to traipse around, mingle with the crowds as they line up for a baked potato (at one time, it was free) or a cup of chocolate milk.

But talk of all this food is making me a little queasy. I’d better head to the first-aid station for some Alka-Seltzer and a good lie-down.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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* Music Video – Eat It, Weird Al Yankovic 

* Main photo – Butter sculpture at the N.Y. State Fair, taken by our friend, Rick Moriarty, in 2008.

Photo – Pizze fritte, taken by Rick Moriarty in 2008

* Photo – New York State Fair – “Pirates of the Sky” aerialists act, performing on the Wheel of Death at the New York State Fair, taken by Dave Pape on 9-1-08 http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9b/Pirates_of_the_Sky_29.jpg/320px-Pirates_of_the_Sky_29.jpg

Say Cheese

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By Judy Berman

All the girls in our family are ready for their close-up for a family photo in a studio. We primp, fuss, wash and brush our hair. Then we speed off in my Honda.

After we sign in, we wait impatiently for our turn. Two employees walk right by us, totally unaware of the whole waiting room.

One returns to the front desk, where the photographer is. Suddenly, she steps back and says in an “oh, my gosh” voice to the photographer: “Did you see the size of that dog?”

I look around the waiting room. Yep. Mine is the only one there. She has to be talking about our St. Bernard, Heidi. The photographer mutters “yes” as she appears to study her shoelaces.

Really, though, Heidi isn’t any problem. If you discount the fact that the photographer has to rearrange the furniture so we could fit the dog in the studio.

Also, being alert for more than 15 seconds at a time is a challenge for Heidi. Her favorite exercise is lying down, which she did quite a lot of, just as the photographer is trying to snap her picture. I suggest props for supporting her in a sitting position, but the photographer fails to see the humor in my remarks.

Leaving the room is more of a hassle than entering. Heidi doesn’t know how to back up and stubbornly resists any efforts to help her. Finally, we manage to turn her around.

I knew the pictures are going to be winners, and told the photographer we’ll be back soon. I had to leave because I can’t stand to see a grown woman cry.

Now, here comes the really hard part. I have to go home and explain to Tumbleweed, our cat, why she was left out of the picture.

A tribute to a wonderful, gentle dog we had many years ago.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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* Main Photo: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Carl_Reichert_Dinnerparty.jpg “Dinner Party,” by Carl Reichert (1836-1918) – This is a faithful photographic reproduction of an original two-dimensional work of art.

* Photo: family photo of my girls, Danielle, Jenn and Heidi