Category Archives: Humor

Camping, Anyone?

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By Judy Berman

Ah, camping! Pitching a tent and communing with nature! As Memorial Day approaches, it’s a time when many begin to think about the great outdoors, the lure of the water and the call of the wild.

The last time I heard the call of the wild – it seems a lifetime ago – was when we pitched our tent in the middle of a square-dancing marathon. The strains of do-si-do still cause an involuntary shudder in our household.

Still, off we bounded with optimism in our hearts as we pitched our tent on the lake’s edge. Our eyes were bloodshot from absorbing the sights and sound that suburbia locked out.

These were some of the attractions of our camping grounds. The water was so far from our campsite that, on the return trip, I drank most of the water supply to fight off dehydration.

The bathrooms, which my children discovered a need for at 3 a.m. and 5 a.m., were so far removed from our campsite that I had to take them there by car. (This is when they were much younger.)

Low-flying helicopters buzzed the rec area during the day because some bright flyboy discovered that the showers had no shower curtains and no roof.

The dark spot on the horizon was an approaching rainstorm. The flashes of lightning looked so picturesque off in the distance across the lake. Our friend warned us about the slight shift of wind.

So we secured the tent, tied down the flaps, put most of our gear away and slipped into our sleeping bags, expecting to be lulled to sleep by the gentle patter of rainfall on our tent.

What we hadn’t anticipated was the slight shift of wind, predicted by our friend, that amounted to a gale force of 50 mph winds and rain that descended like a torrential downpour. The wind savagely whipped around our tent and uprooted some of our supporting frames.

We sought refuge in our car which really was not designed to hold two adults, two children and a St. Bernard.

When the rain stopped, we gratefully got out of our cramped quarters. Bad news. Everything, including our sleeping bags, was drenched. We packed up like thieves in the night and began our long haul home.

At 3:30 a.m., we finally arrived home. We peeled off our wet, sandy duds and tumbled into bed.

That experience still cuts through me like a knife. When anyone suggests in an upbeat, chipper tone that we go camping, I recall how our dog would bolt under the table and whine pitifully. To this day, all the rest of us still register panic in our eyes at the thought of a return to the great outdoors.

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What family vacation makes you chuckle or dive for shelter? Comment below.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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* Main photo: Camping – Danielle and Jenn – Labrador Pond, Tully, NY

* camping – cooking http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Myaso_(2642493568).jpg

* Camping graphic – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Camping.png  Source: USDA Forestry Service website

 

Dancing in the Car

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By Judy Berman

My red Nissan Sentra lurched and shook as we sped down the highway.

No mechanical problems. Just the usual. Thru the years, my car has been more than a mode of transportation. It’s also been our personal jukebox.

My daughters and I were rocking out to the tunes on the radio – singing loud enough to be heard above the traffic noise on 690. Passing motorists pointed at us good-naturedly and laughed along with us.

We were having a grand time. Summer was just around the corner. We rolled down the window and blared Chaka Khan’s “I Feel for You.”

“I’ll make it more than just a physical dream. I wanna rock you, Chaka, baby. Cuz you make me wanna scream, Let me rock you, Rock you.” (Chaka Khan, “I Feel For You”)

Little did we realize the sexual undertones of some of the songs we were jamming to, such as Prince’s “Little Red Corvette” and “1999.”

“I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if I go too fast. But life is just a party, and parties weren’t meant to last.” (Prince, “1999”)

That was tame, But I just blush now when I really listen to some of the lyrics.

The music’s appeal was its danceability and, if we could have, we would have been dancing in the car.

The Beatles’ “Rock and Roll Music” was a couple of decades older. When it came on though, my girls never missed a beat.

“That’s why I go for that rock and roll music, any old way you choose it. It’s got a back beat, you can’t blues it, any old time you use it. Gotta be rock and roll music if you want to dance with me.” (The Beatles, “Rock and Roll Music”)

No trip thru Syracuse was complete until we stopped at Columbus Bakery and bought two loaves of Italian bread. The music escorted us home to Liverpool. By that time, Danielle and Jenn demolished one of the loaves. I might have had some myself. I’m sure they recall the outcome differently.

Then, as we neared home, I’d turn the corners a tad sharp in our neighborhood so that they’d tumble against one another – first to one side of the car, then the other. More giggles. They’d squeal with delight and beg me to do it again. I gladly obliged.

Several years later, the musical tradition continued. Turning onto our street, my timing was perfect. Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights” came on. It’s about 10 minutes long, but we waited for our favorite part when Meatloaf, in the heat of passion, promised to wed his girlfriend.

“I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow … I’m praying for the end of time. It’s all that I can do. Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you.” (Meatloaf, “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights”)

By now, we were parked in the driveway, waiting for the next song, “Y.M.C.A.,” that closed this particular radio show.

If anyone had seen us singing and performing this disco song in our car, they would have thought we were certifiable.

This routine is just a memory chip away. When I hit rewind to replay that rock and roll music in my head, I just smile. It reminds of when Jenn and Danielle rode along with me. My girls completed my days and nights.

    What’s your favorite driving song? Comment below.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

* Photo: The Beatles at Kennedy Airport in 1964 http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_Beatles,_Kennedy_Airport,_February_1964.jpg

* Photo: Prince in Paris in 2009 http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ea/Prince.jpg        Author: Nicolas Genin, Paris, France

* Photo: Chaka Khan in concert in Santa Ynez, Calif.in 2006 http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/10/Chaka_Khan.jpg

* Photo: Village People – Y.M.C.A. – 1970s disco group http://www.listal.com/viewimage/52783

* “Rock and Roll Music” – music video with The Beatles (1964 song) http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Rock+and+Roll+Music+Beatles&mid=AE3F5E63286E2C4B39A5AE3F5E63286E2C4B39A5&view=detail&FORM=VIRE5

* “I Feel for You” – music video with Chaka Khan (1984 song) http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=i+feel+for+you+chaka+khan+lyrics&mid=DAC8A78F458AE54A4EFADAC8A78F458AE54A4EFA&view=detail&FORM=VIRE1

* “1999” music video with Prince (1982 song) http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=prince+1999+music+video+official&mid=64B37BACF8AEB2FD7B9B64B37BACF8AEB2FD7B9B&view=detail&FORM=VIRE3

* “YMCA” music video with the Village People (1979 song) http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=ymca+music+video&mid=077162ED5F556270EC9D077162ED5F556270EC9D&view=detail&FORM=VIRE3

To Mom, With Love

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Mom - Mother's Day - Milly Fiet - with me. By Judy Berman

It was late Monday night, and my 3-week-old daughter, Danielle, was fast asleep. So I turned on “The Lucy Show” with Lucille Ball.

On the TV show, Lucie Arnaz (Lucille Ball’s daughter in real life), announced that she was going to leave home. That’s when I began to cry.

I called my friend, Doreen Klee, and told her between tears and gasps of breath that that’s what Danielle was going to do. Dee, a practical and funny mom, brought me back to earth with: “I’d wait until she can at least feed and dress herself first.”

This scenario now reminds me of how my Mom, Milly Fiet, must have felt when I left home when I was 21. My family planned to move down South while I chose to stay in New York.

I saw this scenario thru a different lens when Mrs. Cunningham (played by Marion Ross), on the TV show “Happy Days,” felt life has passed her by. Her children are growing up, and she feels like she’s not needed. So, Mrs. C turns to Fonzie (Henry Winkler), whose apartment is above the Cunninghams’ garage, for a sympathetic ear.

It’s odd how often everyday things remind me of my Mom, who passed in 2001. Too many times, I’ve seen a TV Mom or a skit that hits too close to home and thought of my Mom. Mrs. C. “gave up her secretarial job in order to become a stay-at-home mother and take care of her children, Richie and Joanie,” according to Access Hollywood’s Top 20 TV Moms of All Time.

My Mom did the same after my brother, Hank, was born.

Our house in North Syracuse, N.Y., like the Cunninghams’, was a kid magnet. Mom’s desserts were one attraction. Her sympathetic ear was another. Kids could always count on her to listen attentively to their troubles.

My Mom might be surprised that another TV mom also echoes memories of my childhood. Marge Simpson of “The Simpsons.” Think her high blue coiffure is bad? You should have seen the haircut I gave my Mom – at her encouragement. As a teen, I was confident I could do a layered cut. Boy, was I wrong.

I felt awful. Mom never complained. But she did wear a hat every time she left the house until her hair grew out.

Mom was like Marge Simpson in another way, too. Marge “instills morals, and provides a grounding voice in the midst of her family’s antics,” according to Access. Check. That’s my Mom to a “T.”

Moms. When it’s done right, moms have a tough job, whether they’re stay-at-home working moms, or working-outside-the-home moms.

So here’s to all moms. Happy Mother’s Day on Sunday, May 13th and every day.

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* Main photo: My Mom, Milly Fiet, when she was 22, and me when I was 6 months old.

* Photo: Marion Cunningham (Marion Ross) and The Fonz (Henry Winkler) on the TV show “Happy Days.” http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Happy_Days_Fonzie_and_Mrs_C_1977.JPG

* Photo: The Cunningham family on the TV show “Happy Days.”  http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cunningham_family_Happy_Days_1974.JPG

* Drawing of Marge Simpson of the TV show “The Simpsons.”  http://www.accesshollywood.com/access-top-20-tv-moms-of-all-time_gallery_2264/image_108501

COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Judy Berman and earthrider, 2011-12. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to (Judy Berman) and (earthrider, earth-rider.com, or earthriderdotcom) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Charade in Paris

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By Judy Berman

A train races down the tracks in a desolate country scene. Before the opening credits roll, one of its passengers tumbles out in his pajamas. Dead.

The widow – although she doesn’t it know it yet – also appears to be about to meet a violent end at a ski resort. As Reggie Lampert (played by Audrey Hepburn) sips a cup of coffee, a gun is aimed directly at her. Fortunately, it’s a water gun, and the shooter is her young nephew, Jean-Louis (Thomas Chelimsky).

His next water-soaked victim is Peter Joshua (Cary Grant). This Stanley Donen film, “Charade” (1963), is being re-released this year on DVD. It also can be seen online, and is well worth the view.

Most of the action in this romantic comedy/suspense thriller takes place in The City of Lights.  Several years ago, this movie inspired my husband, Dave, our daughters, and me, (all of us “Charade” aficionados) to check into the Hotel St. Jacques, stroll along the Seine River, dine on a riverboat, tour a market off the Champs-Elysees and take in other sites featured in the movie.

When Hepburn returns to Paris, she discovers her husband, Charles, had emptied out their place. She frantically runs from room to room, and is startled when Inspector Edouard Grandpierre (Jacques Marin) emerges. He asks her to come with him.

At the morgue, she identifies her husband’s body. The Inspector reveals her husband had multiple identities, planned to leave the country, and gives her Charles’ small duffle bag.

It contained an agenda listing his last appointment – Thursday at The Gardens, 4,000 francs, a letter to her – stamped and unsealed, keys to their apartment, a comb, a fountain pen, a toothbrush and tooth powder.

Not much to go on. When she returns to the apartment, the door creaks, and she hears steps across the floor. It’s Peter Joshua (Grant), and he suggests she go to a hotel where she’ll have a safe place to stay.

Hotel St. Jacques actually is a great place to stay. Some of the film’s interior shots were filmed here. But this turns out to be a bad choice for Hepburn. She no sooner opens the door to her room than she is confronted by George Kennedy (as Herman Scobie) – one of three men she wishes to avoid.

Kennedy threatens her. He and two others – James Coburn as “Tex” and Ned Glass as “Gideon” – are convinced Hepburn knows the whereabouts of the $250,000 that her husband stole from them.

Hepburn runs toward a winding antique staircase and screams for Grant. Grant rushes inside. You hear a scuffle and then silence. Hepburn tentatively opens the door and finds Grant on the floor. Kennedy is nowhere in sight. He escaped out the window. Grant follows.

When you step outside the hotel at night, you can almost visualize Grant leaping from one balcony to another in pursuit of Kennedy.

A fourth man, Hamilton Bartholemew (Walter Matthau), tells her that he’s with the CIA, and the money her husband stole really belongs to the U.S.government. Matthau tells her the government wants the money back. He warns Hepburn: “Now that he’s (Charles) dead, you’re their only lead.”

Grant and Hepburn also find time for romance over dinner aboard a riverboat along the Seine River. We took a similar cruise. In the dark, the Eiffel Tower looked golden and the view of the Notre Dame Cathedral from the river also is impressive.

Despite this idyllic setting, the body count and tension mount in the film.

The movie is a classic game of who do you trust. Donen keeps us guessing, even after Hepburn discovers where her husband hid the money.

If you can’t make it to Paris, check out this movie. Viewer discretion is advised. Shortly after you watch it, you’ll want to see the real thing.

** Post a comment below if you’d like to share what film from past decades is most memorable to you?

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* Photos of Audrey Hepburn, Jacques Marin, Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn, George Kennedy, and Walter Matthau and Audrey Hepburn in the movie, “Charade” (1963)

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Charade

* “Charade” – movie trailer – about 3 minutes

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056923/

* “Charade” – movie summary, cast on IMDb (Internet Movie Database)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056923/

And Justice For None

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By Judy Berman

Courtroom dramas. Noble attorneys, jurors who stick to their convictions despite the opposition of their peers, courtrooms that are just out of control, and justice as an elusive end product.

As a reporter, I covered quite a few trials. Some of the verdicts took me by surprise, as did some of the tactics used to sway a jury. Few of them, however, quite measured up to Hollywood’s portrayals of the legal system.

So, I began to wonder what would be the odds for me if my fate rested on a Hollywood lawyer or jury? Here are a few possibilities:

  • This year marks the 50th anniversary of the movie To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) starring Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch. He’s an honest man assigned to a case he’s doomed to lose – even though his client is innocent.

Several characters, who are innocents, take a hit in this drama. They were destroyed or injured by evil: Tom Robinson (played by Brock Peters), a black fieldhand, accused of raping a white woman, is unable to get a fair trial. Boo Radley (Robert Duval), a recluse who lives near Scout (Mary Badham) and her brother, Jem’s, home, was the victim of emotional abuse by his father. Jem’s (Philip Alford) innocence also is shattered by what he witnesses at Robinson’s trial.

Chances of winning at trial: 2 (Slim and None)

  • 12 Angry Men, (1957), starring Henry Fonda, Lee J. Cobb, Ed Begley and E. G. Marshall.

In a line from the movie trailer, “On the point of that knife, a man’s life is at stake.”

When the jury began its deliberations, it looked like an open-and-shut case of murder. Then, the baggage that many people carry around with them – prejudice and preconceived notions – begins to shape the outcome.

Chances of winning: Excellent, if Henry Fonda is on the deliberating panel.

  • Runaway Jury (2003), starring John Cusack, Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman and Rachel Weisz.

“Trials are too important to be left up to juries,” said Gene Hackman (as Rankin Fitch, a jury consultant), as he schemes to rig the trial’s outcome through bribes and blackmail.

A failed day trader guns down former co-workers at a stock brokerage firm. Attorney Wendell Rohr (Dustin Hoffman) takes the weapon’s manufacturer to court on the grounds of gross negligence.

Thru blackmail and bribery, Fitch tries to handpick a jury that will appeal to the gun lobby. On the inside, however, juror Nicholas Easter (played by John Cusack) is working with his girlfriend Marlee (Rachel Weisz), who is on the outside, to score a win.

Chances of winning: Well, to be bribed or blackmailed, you have to have a life. As I have neither, the outcome is up in the air.

  • And Justice For All, (1979), starring Al Pacino, Jack Warden and John Forsythe.

An ethical lawyer (Al Pacino as Arthur Kirkland) is forced to defend a corrupt judge (John Forsythe as Judge Henry T. Fleming) in a rape trial. This same judge wrongly sentenced Pacino’s client, who was innocent, on a technicality. Pacino had thrown a punch at the judge, and might be disbarred unless he takes on this case, even though he knows the judge is guilty.

Chances of winning: I’d throw myself on the mercy of the court, rather than get involved in this quagmire.

I rest my case. Hollywood ending: 4. Justice: None.

What was your favorite courtroom drama on film?

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Photo of Atticus Finch (Gregory Peck) and Tom Robinson (Brock Peters) in To Kill A Mockingbird

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Atticus_and_Tom_Robinson_in_court.gif

Movie trailer for To Kill A Mockingbird

http://www.cinemagia.ro/trailer/to-kill-a-mockingbird-sa-ucizi-o-pasare-cantatoare-2384/

Movie trailer for 12 Angry Men

http://www.moviestrailer.org/12-angry-men-movie-trailer.html

Movie trailer for Runaway Jury

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi982581529/

Movie trailer for And Justice For All

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi2677512217/

Can You See Me Now?

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By Judy Berman

Ever been in this situation? You’re having a quiet cup of coffee or other liquid refreshment, and the guy sitting next to you is asking questions. To be polite, you respond.

But he’s not answering any of your comments.

You talking to me? Turns out, he wasn’t. He was on his cell phone. Embarrassing. This happened to me, and I just felt invisible. If only.

But, suppose you could actually crawl into a black hole and be unobserved in the background? REALLY blend. That’d be a handy feature whether you’re trying to slink away to avoid a confrontation or to duck a creditor.

Cloaking devices could help. That’s not just the stuff of science fiction such as in “Star Trek” or “Star Wars,” or the invisibility cloak that Harry Potter used to skulk around Hogwarts.

An invisibility cloak might be in use within 10 years.Cornell University scientists have created a “time cloak” that masks an entire event, according to Seth Borenstein of the Associated Press.

Would this give criminals the edge in committing a crime? Would they be able to walk into an art museum like Pierce Brosnan’s character in “The Thomas Crown Affair” and steal a painting in broad daylight? Even if the museum is swarming with police?

That’d be a ways off yet. Right now, the time cloak lasts maybe less than a nanosecond – which is one billionth of a second, according to a study in the journal “Nature.”

Researchers at Duke University and elsewhere also are at work  to develop this technology.

It would be an asset for the military and police. They could use this to camouflage their soldiers and police officers, and tanks and planes from the enemy or track those engaged in illicit activities.

“There are practical applications … This is a way of adding a packet of information to high-speed data unseen without interrupting the flow of information,” Borenstein wrote.

The downside for us mere mortals is that same technology also could be used to spread computer viruses.

Personally, I’m just hoping it becomes available for everyday use.

A little smoke and mirrors could come in handy. Just slip the cloak on, like Harry Potter, and become invisible. Say, you’ve left the boss’s office after requesting a raise and you hear maniacal laughter. If you were to return undetected, you might discover just what people are saying when they think you’re not in the room.

Then, again … sometimes, the lack of transparency isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Photo Credit: A dragon-shaped cloud of dust seems to fly out from a bright explosion in this infrared light image (top) from the Spitzer Space Telescope, a creature that is entirely cloaked in shadow when viewed in visible part of the spectrum (bottom).

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Star_Formation_Revealed_around_M17.jpg

Movie references and science info (ABC News)

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=5560679

Military use and science info (Discovery.com)

http://science.discovery.com/videos/popscis-future-of-invisibility-cloak.html

BUELLER? BUELLER?

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By Judy Berman

Playing hooky. Taking a mental health day off from work. Did you ever wish you played it like Ferris Bueller? Breaking all the rules. Cool, charming and utterly over-the-top outrageous. That escapism appeals to me.

What would that innocent-looking scamp be up to today? Maybe he’d kick it up a notch when he ditches work.

A short clip of an ad that will run during the Super Bowl on Feb. 5th is already teasing the audience about the prospects of a grown-up Bueller. Matthew Broderick, who played Ferris in John Hughes’ 1986 film, will be 50 in March. (The complete ad was released Monday, Jan. 30th, after I wrote this. Its link has been added below.)

Broderick is at it again. Just like Bueller did in the opening of the movie, Broderick opens the curtains and looks directly at the camera. He confides to the audience, “How can I handle work on a day like today?”

I skipped work once when I was about 21 at my first job. Like Bueller, I also headed downtown. No, I didn’t jump on a parade float as Ferris did and serenade the crowd with Wayne Newton’s “Danke Schoen” or The Beatles’ version of “Twist and Shout.”

But there was a crowd. It was lunchtime, and among those milling about the shoppers was my boss – an older gent.

We briefly exchanged glances. I had on shades and a white winter parka. I continued walking with my friends, hoping – no, fervently praying – that he’d think he must be mistaken.

When I returned to work the next day, my boss never quizzed me about my absence. We never talked about this. But I didn’t repeat that escapade ever again in ANY of my jobs.

I still aspire to be Ferris, to have his savoir faire in dealing with a snooty waiter at an exclusive restaurant. Or in putting one over on the school dean as Ferris did to his, Edward R. Rooney, played by Jeffrey Jones. Rooney is bound and determined to catch Ferris and end the teen’s deception once and for all.

Ferris wasn’t the only one in the film milking an opportunity. He convinced his best friend, Cameron (Alan Ruck), to let him borrow his Dad’s prized convertible, a 1961 Ferrari GT California. (“The insert shots of the Ferrari were of the real 250 GT California,” Hughes explains in a DVD commentary, according to Wikipedia. “The cars we used in the wide shots were obviously reproductions. There were only 100 of these cars, so it was way too expensive to destroy.”)

Someone as devious as Ferris couldn’t wait to get his hands on that hot convertible’s steering wheel. The teens – Ferris, Cameron and Ferris’ girlfriend, Sloane Peterson (played by Mia Sara) – dropped the car off at a parking garage. Then, a scheme worthy of Ferris quickly unfolded. Ferris and friends barely had their backs turned when the garage attendants peeled out of the garage and took the rare car for a joy ride. As they did, Yello’s “Oh, Yeah” blared thru the streets.

An enviable heist. It was returned unharmed. But the garage attendants had racked up several hundred miles on the odometer.

Ferris, whatever you might be up to, I hope it’s another glorious romp. If it is, I’d love to be along for the ride.

Photo: of Matthew Broderick as Ferris Bueller

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ferris_Bueller

Snippet of Super Bowl ad – Ferris plans to take a day off from work:

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=698851

Yello’s “Oh, Yeah” music video:

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Yello+Oh+Yeah+Ferris+Bueller+video&mid=EAB5AA7D103A829F7731EAB5AA7D103A829F7731&view=detail&FORM=VIRE1

The full ad was revealed Monday, Jan. 30th. (This is in no way an endorsement of any product. The reveal is just to show you what will be on Super Bowl on Sunday that was the subject of my original blog.)

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=699644

Dining in the Dark

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By Judy Berman

First, let’s put this right out on the table: I am not an adventurous eater. When I go to a restaurant, I can be counted on to order the same thing every time. It only varies depending on the type of place we’re dining at.

Boring. I know. So the idea of dining in the dark – first permanently opened in 2004 under the name of Dans Le Noir (French for “In the Dark”) in Paris and recently opened in New York – was surprisingly intriguing. Still, given a rather disastrous experience in a restaurant I’ll call “Murphy’s Law” – whose motto is “anything that can go wrong will” – I’d have some hesitation about making a reservation.

The Dans Le Noir restaurants in New York, Paris, London, Barcelona and Saint Petersburg, Russia, as well as elsewhere across the globe, are staffed by blind waiters who guide you to your table. Then you have a “surprise” menu that offers one for meat-eaters, one for fish and seafood diners, one for vegetarians and a fourth that is truly a surprise.

“Guests can choose only among a limited choice of surprise menus. The idea is that each guest should not know exactly what he or she will be eating…just the general category. It’s all about the flavors, the textures and the seasonings. It is an old principle often used in the industry, called ‘blind tasting,’ ” according to the Dans Le Noir website.

That’s where my experience eating at “Murphy’s Law” rushes in. “Are you sure? Something new?” Concern is deeply etched on its face.

What happened? Well, the night was an aberration, to be sure. We’d dined there before – no problems. This night was – to put it kindly – an off night.

First, my daughter, Danielle, ordered a steak. She asked if it could be sent back to the kitchen, as it was very rare. The waitress informed her that the heavy abundance of red juices she saw on her plate “was just the lighting.” Believe me, the meat was so rare it was practically galloping off the table ready to return to pasture. (She is now a vegetarian. I’m sure this experience had nothing to do with her change in eating habits.)

Then, we noted that the sweet potatoes were undercooked as well. So they also were dutifully returned to the kitchen and then back to our table. But the waitress at Murphy’s Law got the orders mixed up and gave mine to my husband.

How do I know? Mine had fork marks in it from where I taste-tested it. Thank goodness we’re all family. It could have been worse.

As a gag, I’m sure, we saw someone lick one of the rolls and return it to the basket at their table. By New York state law, restaurants are supposed to throw out unused bread. Apparently, that was not the case at Murphy’s. We learned later from a family friend who worked there that leftover rolls from one table are frequently recycled to other tables.

Yikes! How unsanitary. We never returned.

So, should one disastrous experience influence all of my dining decisions? Absolutely not. Time to stop being skittish. It’s comforting to have all five senses engaged when dining. But how deliciously decadent to savor your meal sans lighting. Already Dans Le Noir has drawn more than 1 million people to its restaurants.

To them, I say, “Bon appetit!” (“Enjoy your meal!”) Go for the gusto. Someday, I might be there at a table near you.

To learn more about Dans Le Noir in New York and to book a reservation, click on this link:

http://newyork.danslenoir.com/

Photo credit: filet mignon (http://commons.wikimedia.org/)

D’oh, A Simpsons Marathon Challenge

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By Judy Berman

Irreverent underachiever Bart Simpson and his Duff-beer guzzling Dad, Homer, would love this: a contest to watch The Simpsons’ shows and break an old Guinness World Record.

It’s a call this couch potato finds hard to resist. A chance to win $10,500. Starting Feb. 8th, in Los Angeles, contestants in The Simpsons Ultimate Fan Marathon Challenge will watch up to 500 continuous episodes of The Simpsons in an attempt to break the current record of 86 hours, 6 minutes and 41 seconds.

The 500th episode, “At Long Last Leave,” will air Sunday, Feb. 19th (8  to 8:30 p.m. ET/PT) on Fox. In this show, “the Simpsons are evicted from Springfield and join an off-the-grid community outside of town. But when Homer and Marge try to sneak back into town,” they are met with hostility.

The scrapes and shenanigans that The Simpsons get into are legendary. In the 23 years it’s been on the air, they’ve skewered the classics of Edgar Allan Poe’s, “The Raven,” (in “Treehouse of Horror“) and parodied “Goodfellas” (in “Bart the Murderer”) and “Citizen Kane” (in “Rosebud”).

But some of their finest hours were when they were just being themselves. Bart, in a role that Ferris Bueller would have loved, slips away from a class field trip and sneaks into the television show where “The Krusty the Clown Show” is taped. This is where, in “Bart Gets Famous,” he makes the catchphrase, “I didn’t do it,” said after he trips over a prop and nearly causes a disaster. The audience went wild, and Bart became an instant celebrity.

My youngest daughter, Jenn, swears she never had a social life in the early 1990s when The Simpsons’ shows ran on Thursdays. Her duty? She had to stay home and tape the shows for me. As Bart would say, “Don’t have a cow, man!”

I was hooked from the beginning of the show. That’s when Bart’s chalkboard punishment was on display (“The Boys’ room is not a waterpark”). Then, he’d jump on his skateboard, survive several close calls and make it home before Dad. After the family all jumped on the couch, the real fun began.

What keeps viewers returning? The show’s never boring. In a parody of “Dallas’ Who Shot J.R.,” a cliffhanger in May 1995 arranged a similar fate for the despicable CEO of the town’s nuclear power plant. “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” kept viewers in suspense until the show returned in September. The infamous chalkboard read: “I will not complain about the solution when I hear it.”

So, let me check. Just how long do I have to watch to win? More than 86 hours? Ay, caramba! Not even for Bart.

Photos: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (May and September 1995)

For more information on the contest, go to The Simpsons’ official Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/thesimpsons or visit http://www.thesimpsons.com/ to receive news updates, including the exact date and time for open registration.

Shopping with Ms. Warmth

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By Judy Berman

Did you ever feel that life was a series of one-act plays, and your role was that of the buffoon?

I have.

One memorable experience was at the grocery store. I grabbed a cart and attempted to maintain my normal cruising speed without my usual number of casualties. Then the aisle was blocked by a woman who was leaning on her cart, and she seemed reluctant to alter her position. A cane on her cart explained her lack of mobility, but should not have been an excuse for her rudeness.

The woman turned and asked politely, at first, if I’d get something off the shelf for her. She pointed to a bag of cheese twists and insisted those were the ones she wanted. But, when I went to hand the bag to her, it was like the Spanish Inquisition relived.

“Are those oven-baked?” she snapped impatiently.

They weren’t. I quickly found the ones that were.

Two feet later, she was asking me the difference in price of two brands of cocoa. I gave that to her after I first checked – at her request – whether one could be mixed with water.

Her next task for me? Fetch two six-packs of V-8 juice. She told me to look left. I looked right. I’m not usually this dense, but she was barking orders like a drill sergeant.

At this point, I felt I’d been had. If I cleared the cans off the shelf, would I find some smart aleck who’d say, “Smile. You’re on Candid Camera” or “You’ve been Punk’d.”

One of the clerks, a friend of mine, realized the predicament I was in and paged me to the store’s break room. To get there, I’d have to pass Old Cantankerous.

She stopped me in midflight and asked me to get her four rolls of toilet paper.

“That’s two aisles away, ma’am.”

“I know. Would you get it for me?

My face is usually an accurate barometer of my feelings. By now, a look of exasperation flashed over. I was torn between walking away and running away. I chose to walk.

“All right, run away. Don’t help me,” she shouted.

I slunk into my place of refuge – the break room. So named, because all the guys there are breaking up in hysterical laughter over the situation.

Fear not. The woman was resourceful. She soon collared one of the store’s employees and had the store clerk trotting all over the store for her.

I wasn’t anxious to cross paths with her again. So, when I renewed my shopping, I seized the opportunity to stop and talk to a shopper I knew. Then, I committed the unpardonable sin of inquiring about his health.

The gentleman gave me a blow-by-blow, non-stop narrative of all of his recent operations. His wife chose this time to bolt and finish her shopping.

When he finally paused for air, I bid him a pleasant farewell. Looking back, I prayed I wouldn’t suffer the same fate as Lot’s wife.

Not a problem. He hadn’t even realized I was gone as he was carrying on a heated discussion with some passion fruit.

So, when you’re out shopping. When you see someone frantically whipping up and down the aisles on Rollerblades. Trying to manage an erratic cart. At the same time trying to add up their purchases on a hand-held calculator. I do hope you’ll understand.

Believe me, it’s nothing personal when I whiz by you.